(submitted by Peter Chace and edited by Lamont)
Retep Bridges was a master of the art of the Swirly. Every five hours, young Retep would give himself one of his patented Swirlies. A Swirly, for those of you who don’t already know, is a very special maneuver. It involves sticking your head all the way, deep down, into any toilet bowl of your choice. Then, when you feel the moment is just right, simply flush with total abandon and glee. Oh mama, what a rush! Just wait until you feel your forehead being sucked down into a whole other rather smelly, disgusting dimension! Oh, the sheer joy. Oh, the bliss of it. You see, when Retep was a small baby, his mother used to hold him above her head. A fountain of pee would inevitably erupt, and, oh mama, was she pissed off, both literally and figuratively. At the age of four, Retep took up a new hobby: dumpster diving. He claimed that swimming amongst the trash soothed him.
For your reading pleasure, a short story by Retep Bridges
Once upon a time, a boy named Jimmy Jam was looking for Santa at the North Pole. He had been looking for hours and still no Santa. He stumbled upon a cave, so dark he couldn’t even see. He peered in and heard a thump and then another. He quickly stepped away from the cave. Then suddenly an abominable snowman appeared. Without warning, it charged at Jimmy Jam. It kept chasing him until he got tired. Jimmy stopped to take a rest. Then the snowman caught him. He brought him to his cave. Then he tore him limb from limb. He spit the torn body bits into a skillet. Then he cooked them over an open fire. When it was done, he threw them on a plate and ate them.
That is the story of Jimmy Jam’s trip to the North Pole.