Monday, June 28, 2004

Recent String of Pieing Incidents Fuels Speculation About the Existence of Reclusive Poet's Brother

by Soupé Sayles


In recent years, a growing number of respected academians have theorized that the obscure enigmatic poet Lamont Bridges was not an only child, as was originally believed, and that there existed a sibling, still alive and floundering somewhere on Staten Island. This rising speculation is based on the legendary pie-throwing fixation this younger brother displayed throughout his life. Researchers claim that Lamont Bridges' only sibling, Lamode Bridges, would often go on pie-slinging binges, almost exclusively targeting retirement and sabbatical bound educators. Now, with reports of yet another pieing at the annual Turner-Garvin Summer Commencement affair at their North Shore estate this past weekend, the fourth such attack in less than two weeks, a heightened anxiety has suddenly gripped the usually somnolent neighborhood of this mostly insignificant borough. Fears have even stretched overseas, as the likely fifth victim, Joseph Russo, on the first days of his imminent sabbatical, has reported that the scent of lemon meringue has been detected on the pebbled beaches of the French Riviera.

Further news will be made available on the Lamont Bridges website ( with a full recount of the first four pieings and a chronology of Lamode's bizarre exploits.