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Subj:Fast Eddie
Date: 2/1/04
To: Joe@thescro.com

Joe,
Really enjoyed the site. I was moved to tears several times by the poetry of Lamont Bridges. It's hard to believe that I could have remained ignorant of this literary giant for all these years. I feel now as though a veil has been lifted and I am seeing the world as if for the very first time. From the depths of my new-born soul, I thank you.

TJ
p.s. and that Fast Eddy guy was okay too....

TJ,

It has been well documented that Lamont has lifted all sorts of things(mainly from K-mart and Wawa), but he's never been accused of lifting a veil. From the depths of my tired old soul, I guess I thank you.

Joe (keeper of the flame)

 

Subj: one hit Wonder
Date: 1/12/2003 1:14:47 AM Eastern Standard Time
To: Joe@thescro.com

Dear Joe:
Why, in the Free Advice photo, is the Davy Jones impostor next to Lamont holding a urine sample? Is Free Advice a cleverly concealed plea for a return to a time when stream-of-consciousness was more that just the idle ramblings of an urban sub-spannite but was interpreted more literally by Lamont with his late night pissing for distance challenges and the Godot Memorial bladder-retention duels... known officially as Joe Scro's Got-toGodot. There are people in Bayonne who still claim to be able to hear the sighs of the winners when time was called and release took place somewhere in the dark,murky, midnight bowels of the Bayonne Bridge. Many have interpreted Lamont's behavior as chameleon-like, but in truth- if you read the poems carefully- there are hints everywhere as to the CAMEL-like nature of the bladder-blessed master of words. In fact, if you look at the photo closely there is a certain 'Joe' (no coincidence) Camel-ness to the aged poesy-boy. (Is that a hump we see or is he glad to pee for us.)
Somewhere in the dank underground areas and dark recesses of the world as we know it lies the secret of Lamont; the truth behind the legend... and never far away (as we can see in the recent sightings pictures) there is a puddle. You be the judge.
Respectfully,
Floyd Bridges
Submarine banjoist

Dear Floyd,
You're a pisser.
Ciao for now. - Joe

 

Subj: Possible Sighting
Date: 1/3/2003 12:50:35 PM Eastern Standard Time
To: joe@thescro.com

Mr. Scro

I don't want to further any fanatical rumors, but...
I was just minding my own business at a local 7-11 the other day, getting some coffee. I don't know how to describe it. There was a sort of invisible mist all around, and I get that type of feeling when something great is about to dawn on me. Then, from out of nowhere (or perhaps from some other part of the store) there appeared a man I can only describe as Lamont Bridges. It was brief, and the feeling afterward was similar to being temporarily blinded by the sun. The funny part is, I can't tell if it really happened. Maybe it was just a man who resembled Lamont, or maybe the whole incident was just a spectacular dream. But I myself wouldn't be surprised if Mr. Bridges is still among us.

Charles Whitcroft
Former Student and Fan of Lamont Bridges

Dear Charles,

Your recent “close encounter” at a local 7-11 is the 18th sighting of Lamont, according to the records kept by our most devoted Lamontophile, the esteemed Prof. Phineous T. Cragmire. He was most perplexed by your mention of an “invisible mist.” If it were invisible, how did you come to label it a mist? What was so misty about it? Did it make mist-like sounds? Did it have a mist-like texture? Are you sure it wasn’t a haze? You know, a haze and a mist are pretty similar. Hell, if it were invisible, it could have been anything. Maybe it was an artichoke or a condominium or a recently deceased penguin. You don’t really know, do you? But I digress. Whatever the hell it was snapped you out of the stupor you were in as you absentmindedly poured yourself a cup of 7-11 sludge, I mean coffee. Lamont appears. Was it really him, or his stunt double? Was it all just a dream? Or are you yanking my crank or what? Dr. Cragmire claims that your memory of being “blinded by the sun” is, in fact, a subconscious psychotransgressional homonymium, in which you actually meant to say, “blended by the son.” Of course. Now it makes perfect sense. It’s the phenomena known to those of us “in the loop” as the Bridges Syndrome, wherein multiple personas are mixed, or blended, by a close member of the family. Since you are a son, you are the closest family member to yourself. And so the visage, if you will, of Lamont represents your own poetic self, embodied or disembodied, whatever the case may be, by this patron saint of unrequited metaphoric transgressions. Now isn’t it all so perfectly clear and simple? Why, a child could have figured it all out, don’t you think? I bet you feel pretty stupid for even bringing it up. Well, perk up. It’s a new millennium out there. They’ll be new fish to fry; don’t you fret no more. A Lamont sighting balances the Cosmos and most checkbooks. It’s like the latest “Feel-Good-Movie-Of-The-Year” or when you get a really good parking space in Manhattan. But I digress. In closing, I would like to thank you for your furthering our most favorite fanatical rumor. Hell, what would life be like without a fanatical rumour to further?

Ciao for now,
Burnt Bridges
Assistant Chairman of the Lamont Bridges Archives and Supper Club

 

Subj: hi
Date: 11/4/2002 8:19:50 PM Eastern Standard Time
To: Joe@thescro.com

I was just in your web site and I saw the skeches of Lamont Briges and they
don't look the same. Shouldn't they look the same at least?

from,
mark in 9th period

Subj: Re: hi
Date: 11/5/2002 5:34:14 PM Eastern Standard Time


hi Mark,
I'm glad to see that you're interested in the website. Now let me see if I can give you a satisfactory answer for your question regarding the three sketches. Yes, they all are very different. Each one is really a sketch of me done by three very different people. The sketch on the left was done by a 17 year old student while he watched me speaking to some students. He did it quickly and roughly in a fairly dark room. I think it sort of resembles me. In my opinion, the kid was a fairly good artist. Now the middle sketch was done by a 90 year old former professor of design at Parsons. He tried to capture me with a minimum of lines. I think it too sort of resembles me, in a "modern art sort of way". Finally, the last and funniest sketch was done by my friend's six year old daughter. As much as I hate to admit it, her sketch sort of resembles me in a weird sort of way, too. And you know that eyewitness accounts can sometimes be wildly different and often unreliable. Collectively, they all became a small gallery of police artist sketches of Lamont (Is He Still Alive?) Bridges. I thought it was pretty funny to see them side by side by side on the page like that. Remember, the whole website is about creativity and the imagination. Keep on visiting it; there's lots of stuff still to come.

Ciao for now, Lamont

 

Subj: Cute mook
Date: 8/26/2002 9:30:51 PM Eastern Daylight Time
To: joe@thescro.com

Hi Joe Scro,
You do not know me, but I am the niece of Mike Cetta. This site is hysterical. I can't wait for updates. Please tell my uncle you heard from me. My favorite is the last one with the cast on the puppet's nose. Too funny!!! I would like to be able to write directly to the puppet. Any chance of that soon?
thank you
Roseann Cetta

Dear Roseann,

Thanks for the e-mail! I'm glad you like the site. We update at least once every two weeks. I'll tell Mike that I heard from you. Your uncle, as you can now see, is into the site and his character. We're both having fun with it. We are working on a way for people to write directly to the puppet. Within a week, it should be possible.

Take care, Joe

 

Subj: Lamont in Maine?
Date: 8/22/2002 12:15:16 PM Eastern Daylight Time
From: Greg Stier
To: Joe@thescro.com

Dear Joe

On a recent trip to Moosehead Lake in Maine, I have found evidence
to support many peoples' opinion that Lamont Bridges' mysterious death was
staged in a desperate attempt for anonymity and the pursuit of a practical
career (and to sell more copies of his book, thank you Simon and Schuster).
Please email me your street address so I can mail you these disturbing
photos that I hope you will put on the Website.
Also, it appears that the grammatical marks (Quotation marks,
parentheses,apostrophes) in the biography of A. Noyd and H.Royd Bridges
have been configured as numbers instead of symbols. Can you fix this,
please? It's a bit distracting when you're absorbing all of the "sparkling
repartee' and rapier-like wit" (yeah right!) of the brothers' story. Thanks!

Greg Stier

 

Dear Greg,

Lamont in Moosehead? Oh joy of joys! I must tell the birds. Send the photos to
me. It is truly heartwarming to know that someone is out there, looking for him. As for the configuration of grammatical marks, I was awaiting your reaction. How the hell it happened is a mystery to me. This whole Lamont thing . . . I don't know. . . perhaps we're venturing into a realm we should not be probing. Perhaps we're poking our nose where we shouldn't. Perhaps we disturbing the fragile balance of the cosmos. . . . . . Nah. Anyway, I agree. It's a tad distracting. Try sending it to me again. If it still arrives "configured", I'll have to go through it and correct it. A zillion apologies. Rapier-like wit and sparkling repartee doesn't just come along every day now, believe you me.
Later, Joe

 

Subj: music
Date: 6/28/2002 12:21:44 AM Eastern Daylight Time
To: Joe@thescro.com

Hey Joe: Just downloaded This Old House but all I get when I try to play it
is a fanfare of horns, what sounds like crickets, a woman moaning, then
silence. I know it sounds like the plot of every film noir story, but it is
the truth.
Bob

According to local legend, if you pressed your ear onto the plywood surface of Lamont's old shanty, you would hear these exact sounds: a horny fanfare, sensuous crickets, a woman moaning. Lamont Noir. A Vagabond's Soundtrack.

 

Subj: Cumasichiama
Date: 6/5/2002 12:10:41 PM Eastern Daylight Time
To: Joe@thescro.com

Dear Mr. Bridges,

Let me first congratulate you on your terific website and to thank on behalf
of the entire puppet industry for giving a puppet a space on it. Having said
that I have several problems with it. First Mr. Cumasicchima approached you
without clearance from us nor did he submit to us just what his intentions
were with such a site. We met yesterday with Mr. Cumaschiama and reprimanded
him accordingly. The internet is public domain and as such there are legal
and appropriate proceedings that must be followed. This is not the first time
we have had trouble with him as he has on too many occasions disregarded
industry procedures and went ahead and did what he damn well fucking pleased
(please excuse the language) We have spoken to him about the need for proper
representation and an agent goddamit. More on this will be forthcoming.

However our biggest complaint is how he is represented on your site. It took
2 links to get to him and then the entire assiociation was not with him as
the most talented and skilled play puppet therapist in the entire universe
(why we put up with his shit) but as a mook and one -on your site at least-
associated with the mob. This is exactly the kind of stereotyping that has
kept puppets in the closet and in boxes. He should have his own unique link
and one more focused on his talent and skills than on this 'mook' thing. As a
skilled clinician he can offer children everywhere and their parents terrific
and fun advice. Leave the mook shit to someone else. Unless action is taken
on this behalf expect to hear from our attorneys!

yours in Christ,

Hoody Doody, President of the Puppet Association

cc: Knuckelhead Smith, Charlie McCarthey, Bozo, the Moral Outrage Committee
of Curtis High School, Senior Winces and Jerry Mahoney

Hey Doody, I got your "unique link" right HERE, you termite-infested, warped chunk of driftwood! After all my years of work supporting your kind, you stoop to trying to portray me as nothing more than an out-an-out anti-puppetite?! Well, stereotype THIS, Mr. Freckles. You're just a sad, pathetic has-been. You're living in the '50's, daddy-o! Get your attorneys to untangle those strings of yours. Wake up and smell the sawdust.

 

Subj: Where in the world is Lamont Bridges?
Date: 5/4/2002 11:56:20 AM Eastern Daylight Time
To: Joe@thescro.com

Joe,
You and Damian have definitely left the building. i will continue to
peruse your creation (a loose use of the term). i would like some of
whatever you guys have been
ingesting - perhaps an extract of carlos casteneda.
I believe that this web site will be used to bring an end to the practice
of grantings sabbaticals to educators if it falls into the wrong (or right)
hands.
I am humbled by your misdirected creativitiy - my birthday performance
certainly pales(pails) in comparison.
Speak to you soon,

Travel Boy Bob SIlverman

You are indeed perceptive, oh Travel Boy, perceptive indeed. I am awaiting your contribution to the Next of Kin page. Your past ingestions deem you well suited for the task.

 

Subj: (no subject)
Date: 5/9/2002 1:21:17 PM Eastern Daylight Time
To: Joe@thescro.com

Joe: The Lamont Bridges pages are wonderful, terrific, funny, evocative --
what a wonderful creation, yet another facet among your multi facets! Now,
is it possible that I met Lamont Bridges in a bar on Houston St. (corner of
Sullivan) called the Kiwi (the Australian allusion made me think it could be
the same person) about twenty years ago, down and out, doing card tricks for
free beers? It sure seems so -- maybe you'd know whether he was making the
scene back then.
Congratulations for bringing Bridges back to life, as it were, in such a
respectful way.
Yours, Morty

Lamont often frequented every bar on Houston Street, not to mention the entire Village and the Lower East Side. More often than not, he'd be seen running a Three Card Monte scam with Brother Theodore, Lord Buckley, and Moondog.

 

Subj: Lamont Bridges
Date: 5/9/2002 4:58:38 PM Eastern Daylight Time
To: Joe@thescro.com

Joe,
I had the chance to check out your website.
I found it to be enjoyable, clever and well put together. Great job.
Riva

Aw shucks, just glad it don't sucks.

 

Subj: from Yussel
Date: 5/14/2002 8:39:39 PM Eastern Daylight Time
To: Joe@thescro.com

Joe,
Just a quick note -- I'm actually on the site to read Damian's review of
Spiderman, which I think is right on. The Lamont project is terrific --
better on the web than on paper. It will grow. Have a great time in Ireland;
we'll see you when you return.

The Lamont Project. Sounds ominous. We must speak in hushed tones. Today, Staten Island; tomorrow, a deserted strip of industrial wasteland alongside the Kill Van Kull. Be still, my beating heart. I think I'm salivating.

 

 

 

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