D. Conzo Bridges
Very little is known about D. Conzo Bridges' early years. As a matter of
fact, little is known of his later years. Come to think of it, this photo
is the only known document of his existence. This disturbing realization has
led amateur historians and some of those family tree freaks to hypothesize
that D. Conzo may not have been a "Bridges" at all, but an outside
agitator sent to this homey gathering by the Clombards, a rival Staten Island
clan headquartered in an area which has come to be known as "Macy's".
Two things lend credence to this hypothesis. One, no one really cares enough
to make another hypothesis, and two, the moustache and the drum.
If you scrutinize the photo with a Commando 450 Magnifier, some researchers have detected a touch of what looks like tacky glue under the left nostril. If this troubling theory is indeed true, the moustache may in fact be a clever ruse to blend in with the Bridges' clan. The Bridges' clan had a local reputation for what was then referred to as "eating well". Perhaps D. Conzo had heard of this "eating well", and wanted to cash in. Another point to consider is the presence of the drum. The drum is believed to have been introduced to Staten Island just after the Spanish-American conflict by the Bendizo's, a troupe of wandering bakers who would store dough in the space between the drum skins. How did D. Conzo get his hands on a drum? And was the drum full of dough at the time of the photograph? If not, where was the dough? Why would the Bendizos part with one of their dough-filled drums? Why would the Bendizos store dough in the drum in the first place? Anyone who has ever suffered through a piece of pizza in Florida knows that dough does not travel well. Although some say it's the water. . . Back in D. Conzo's time - what jackass would really name his son D. Conzo ? - no one really knew that much about water, besides the obvious bathing/swimming thing. If we knew more about water back then, would things have been different?
Years later, a man named Zoilo Versalles would play decent shortstop for the Minnesota Twins. These, and many other pointless questions, will be answered on our sister website, "Vegetables That Spell".